Sunday, August 25, 2013

1. I received a final notice from my mailman stating that my mailbox was too full, and if I didn't clear it out he could deliver any more notices to clear out my mailbox.

2. I'm working on my drinking problem one day at a time. Right now, I'm focused on September 22nd, 2029. Ugghh, I'll be so old by then. (takes drink)

3. I can go underwater without breathing for 10 minutes, though not in a row.

4. If boobs spelled "no" in braille, there would be a lot of blind rapists.

5. My uncle, Steve, was at his best when he was directing traffic, and at his worst when he was directing ocean's thirteen.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

"That's our word."

1 I'm sick of meaningless causal sex. It seems like none of the women I sleep with understand me. And I'm too lazy to learn Cambodian

2 my cousin has been trying to get pregnant for years, and he's tried everything.

3 tried to explain to my ex girlfriend that I didn't care what she thought of me. I couldn't convince her even after five hours of argument.

4 I have a secret for you guys, supposedly someone shouldn't go see a psychiatrist, despite his family's claims that his "delusion" of being a real Dr. Doolittle is a sign of serious mental illness. A little bird told me.

5 I started the caveman diet, because I figure if cavemen were around today, they'd be eating out of dumpsters

6I hate lawyer jokes. Three of my friends are lawyers, pending litigation.

7 When doors don't work, it's fine to put signs on them saying "Please Use Other Door." I find it's not the same with people.

8 I'm a one man parade today, smiling, waving, squandering fire trucks and police vehicles.

9. 80% of people get angry when they're asked random questions by strangers. I took a survey.

10. You can't call me an asshole!!! That's our word.

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'll just make one up

1. I've been with two women at the same time - though sadly in parallel universes.
2. My girlfriend isn't very exciting anymore. It seems like when I have her over all she wants is a hot meal to eat and a bed to sleep in. Probably because she's homeless.
3. Can deaf people wear earmuffs indoors?
4. I saw a man in a Hawaiian shirt and thought, man, this dude loves to party. He told me that it was actually a eucalyptus pattern, a species non-native to Hawaii, and I thought, man, this dude loves to ruin parties.
5. Oh, casual sex? So, I can wear jeans as long as I tuck my shirt in?
6. I'm 27, that's 189 in dog years, to put things into perspective.
7. I had sex with a jabberwocky. It was meaningless.
8. I'm not one to judge. If only I could walk a mile in your shoes without my feet getting AIDS.
9. If alcohol is a crutch, why do I keep falling in the toilet?
10. I hate when people mess with the English language. There should be a name for those people. I'll just make one up.